Celebrity chef, TV bad boy and Spitting Image dummy-faced anger-monkey Gordon Ramsey’s new London restaurant has received a closure order after complaints from customers that they were served brownies spiked with cannabis.
Ramsay has denied that the potent hash brownies were served intentionally to customers and claims that a rival chef switched out the trays of the popular dessert item in a bid to sabotage the opening of the restaurant.
“I’m looking at you Anthony Worral Thompson,” growled an angry Ramsay, speaking from the steps of Heddon Street Kitchen in his trademark chef’s whites and sneering contempt for ineptitude. “You little ginger pie-eating cunt. I know it was you, and I’m coming for you.”
Ramsay claims that Worral Thompsons has been responsible for a few attempted sabotages of Ramsay restaurants over the years and that it’s all part of the intense rivalry that TV chefs enjoy with each other.
“There was the time he replaced 2 kilos of coconut shavings with his own clipped toenails and slipped it into my macaroons,” continued Ramsay while sniffing from a bottle of poppers he keeps on a chain around his neck for the purposes of “maintaining the red-faced exasperation of a man so angry his head might burst.”
“As a revenge I had no choice but to get his sister pregnant, make her have an abortion and then slip the unwanted placenta into his spag bol,” he added. “A stunt like that would have broken a lesser man but AWT’s a really spunky guy, I’ve got to admire him.”
This latest sabotage incident in this TV chef feud is believed to have left approximately 50 diners “pulling whiteys, puking up oysters and laughing maniacally at Gordon and his staff”.
“Within about 20 minutes of the diners having the brownies they all started uncontrollably laughing before one especially inebriated guest fondled a waiter and began a food fight that reportedly saw two people’s white shirts ruined,” claimed a witness. “There was pulled pork all over the bar, in the staff’s hair and blouses, sick.”
Some of the people present were as young as 12 and while it is understood that they had smoked cannabis before many had never ingested the drug and reportedly became angry at the “shit quality stone” off the brownies and resorted to “smashing the place up” until they got sorted with good gear or became bored.
The restaurant will be closed down until such a time as the Food Safety Authority can complete an investigation.
In the mean time Mr. Ramsay has vowed to “fuck up that little hobbit headed shoplifting prick Worral Thompson” on an upcoming episode of BBC stalwart Ready Steady Cook.
“That’s quite simply the last straw, we’re going to end this in the only way we know how, by preparing a three course menu of our own design using fresh local produce,” concluded Ramsay while sharpening his knives intently. “He’s going to regret ever dipping his dick in my tiramisu…”